Was I Wrong To Say No When My Neighbor Asked Me To Pay Her Pet Bills Because I Play With Her Dog When It Comes Into My Yard, And Other Advice Column Questions #adessonews

There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.

Was I Wrong To Say No When My Neighbor Asked Me To Pay Her Pet Bills Because I Play With Her Dog When It Comes Into My Yard?

I’m not a big pet fan. I do like animals, but in small doses and only when I don’t have to take care of them. I bought my first home a few years ago and the tiebreaker between it and another house was the adorable neighbor dog. Shortly after I moved in, a freak accident caused the fence between my house and the dog owners’ house to fall. It was technically their fence, but they didn’t have the money to replace it as it was incredibly nice looking and they didn’t want something cheaper. They were worried about the dog coming into my yard. I told them that as long as the dog didn’t make a huge mess, I was fine with it. The set up was great, their dog would come have breakfast with me outside in the morning and I was able to play with her throughout the day.

The issue has come up recently when the wife approached me about paying some of the bills for the dog. She knew I really liked the arrangement and felt like I was being able to “take advantage of the dog without taking any of the responsibility.” I reminded her that I bought the very specific, expensive, treats they had asked for and that I had trained their dog to stop doing certain things they hated. She did not like that. She told me that until they put a fence up, she was going to put the dog out on a long wire that stopped just short of my yard and that I was no longer welcome on their property. I told her she was being petty, but she just walked off with a haughty look on her face. She did follow through with her threat, but I could hear her frustration increasing every day over having to put the dog on the wire. So what did I do? I put in a fence, a cheap one that the neighbors specifically told me they didn’t like.

I was telling this to a group of friends and some of them think I’m being petty, that I should have offered to chip in, and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to chip in a bit, especially if the couple is struggling financially. I agree about the last part, but we live in an upper middle class neighborhood and the neighbors just bought new luxury cars. I’m more inclined to think they are mismanaging their money rather than “struggling” and I know for a fact that they are both still employed in their high-salary jobs, but what my friends said has been bothering me. Do you think I am wrong or being petty?

[Slate]

Kristin Wong advises the letter writer to hold the line on not paying for the dog but to try to keep things cordial with the neighbor. “It’s one thing for her to ask — that’s inappropriate enough — but it’s quite another for her to respond with such hostility when you rightfully refuse,” she writes. “It’s not your dog!” Read the rest of her answer.

How Should I Deal With My Office Mate’s Habit Of Constantly Asking Me Questions, And Pulling My Headphones Out If I Don’t Hear Him?

Due to renovations, I’m temporarily sharing an office with another employee. We work different jobs, but are technically peers. He is, frankly, driving me crazy.

Every question that comes across his mind, he gets up and asks me. Most of these are surprisingly basic questions. Some questions are work-related. Some are random, like how long of a drive it is to get to Chicago.

For the first week or so, I humored this, but when I realized it would be ongoing, I started a different tactic. I wouldn’t give him a direct answer, just reroute him where to find the information he was looking for. For instance, he would ask when a meeting was, I’d ask if he got the pertinent email, and when he responded he had, I’d state the time was listed in the email but I didn’t know it offhand. This didn’t in any way deter him, and he continued with the questions. One day I kept track and found that over an eight-hour period, he asked me 75 questions. These were everything from asking what someone’s phone number is to what time the local bagel place was open until!

I tried wearing headphones, but he would pull them out of my ears to ask his questions, which just was more jarring.

How do I deal with this without losing my sanity?

[Inc.]

Alison Green counsels the letter writer to directly instruct their office mate not to interrupt them with questions. “If he ever tries to pull your headphones out of your ears again, say this: ‘What on earth are you doing? Do not touch me again,'” she writes. “Say this in the sternest tone you can muster.” Read the rest of her answer.

What Should I Do After My Boyfriend, Who Knows I Want To Get Married, Pranked Me By Giving Me An Empty Jewelry Box?

I’ve reached an impasse with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. We’re both in our mid-30s, we moved in together a little over a year ago, and in the past year, he’s initiated several conversations about starting a family. I entertain these discussions, but I told him that I will not think of having a baby unless marriage is on the table. He said he wants to be a dad, I said I would feel more secure about family planning if he proposed. He has only said “That’s good to know.”

Yesterday he pulled a prank on me by holding out a velvet box … which was empty, and came with some jewelry he bought online. It felt mean-spirited, given past conversations. So I asked: What’s actually keeping him from proposing to me?

He not only dismissed marriage as a formality, but cited his father (who is very unhappily married). He also raised a number of factors, including how much I work and socialize, as well as his anxieties about an ex who cheated on him. I felt physically ill. We share a home, we vacation, we go out 2-to-3 times a week. I know that he’s just not ready to get married, and the rest is projection. But I can’t even look at him right now. Where do we go from here?

[Slate]

Ashley C. Ford opines that the letter writer deserves transparency and care that they’re not getting from their current boyfriend. “A man who will mock you with your dreams for the future is not a man you want,” she writes. “That’s a man who finds you useful until he finds what he’s really looking for.” Read the rest of her answer.

Can I Ask My Roommate To Pay More Of Our Rent Even Though I Already Agreed To Equal Rent To Get Her To Say Yes To The Apartment?

I’m a new resident of New York City who’s considering asking her roommate to redistribute rent, but I’m scared it’s too late. I split rent 50/50 with my roommate, but my room is 70% hers’ size. I also did all the apartment tours, paid more of the upfront costs, and bought most of the furniture. At the time, there was a valid reason for each: I was driving distance from NYC while she was flying distance, I had more savings and a higher salary, and I moved a month earlier so I furnished. I also wanted the apartment more but she was hesitant about the room size, so I offered to take the smaller room with equal rent. But now it’s been three months and I’m already feeling discontent. My roommate’s great, but I’m wondering if it’s worth bringing in tension by asking for a rent change when I already agreed to this.

[Slate]

Ilyce Glink rules that the letter writer should have brought up this concern before moving in with their roommate. “You knew she was price-sensitive (concern about the size of room for the amount she was paying in rent should have tipped you off) and you know she probably won’t take the conversation well,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

What Should I Have Done When My Dad’s Girlfriend Stole Everyone’s Turn To Bowl At My Bowling Party?

For my 40th birthday, my sister planned a bowling party. She is very organized, and pre-entered the names of all 12 guests into the lanes (two lanes, six people at each).

My dad arrived late, while we were in the fourth frame, and unexpectedly brought his girlfriend, Tiffany. My mom, his ex-wife, had stepped away and it happened to be her turn when they arrived.

Tiffany noticed she wasn’t on the board, and announced she was taking my mom’s turn. She made a big show of it.

Moments later, it was my turn. I stepped up to bowl, and shockingly, she shoved me aside, grabbed the ball and told me, “Let me show you how it’s done!” She took my turn, too. In the same frame.

I was so stunned, I didn’t know what to say, so I just muttered, “It’s my turn. I’m here.” She ignored me and even asked my dad to take a video of her bowling.

What should I have said? She took all my turns and everyone else’s for the rest of the game. No one knew what to say or how to stop her, since we don’t really even know her, and no one wanted her to be uncomfortable.

[UExpress]

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin recommend having a talk with the letter writer’s father. “You know we all want to get to know Tiffany, but she seemed far more interested in showing off her bowling prowess than in getting to know us,” they suggest saying. “Perhaps we can meet for a meal so that we can just talk and there’s no pressure to win.” Read the rest of their answer.

Should I Accede To My Neighbors’ Request That I Tone Down My Christmas Decorations This Year?

Even though it’s only the middle of September, I am the type of homeowner who loves decorating for any holiday, so I’m preparing for Christmas now. Although excited, I’m forced to tone down my display because my neighbors expressed concern about the large blow-ups and lights I put up last year. They feel it’s excessive and affects the neighborhood’s aesthetics. I live in the suburbs where they all like green and beige. I want to be considerate of my neighbors, but I enjoy creating festive displays so much. What would be the wisest course of action for this?

[UExpress]

Harriette Cole affirms the letter writer’s right to decorate their property however they choose but encourages them to consider their future relationship with their neighbors. “What if you go all out in an aesthetic that better matches your neighborhood?” she writes. “For instance, you could create a design featuring a monochromatic look with the same scale of lights and ornaments.” Read the rest of her answer.

Read last week’s column here.