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Crippling performance anxiety meant Sharks big man Toby Rudolf would sit in the sheds before a game wishing he was anywhere else.
One of the NRL’s most popular players has revealed that impostor syndrome suffocated his thoughts for the first five years of his career.
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But a chat with coach Craig Fitzgibbon earlier this season changed everything and Rudolf was able to finally overcome the head noise.
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The 28-year-old now plays with the belief he can match it with the best in the game, which he’ll have to do when Cronulla face three-time reigning premiers Penrith on Saturday for a spot in the grand final.
“On game day I used to want to rather be digging holes and be anywhere rather than the change room,” a brutally honest Rudolf told foxsports.com.au.
“I used to always think before a game that I’m going to drop 10 balls and miss 80 tackles and I’ll never play first grade again.
“That was my mentality right up until this year. Fitz just sat me down and said ‘have you ever dropped 10 balls? Have you ever missed so many tackles? Have you ever actually let the team down so dramatically in that fashion you keep thinking about?’
“And I was like ‘ahh not really’ then he said ‘well park that, there’s no point thinking about it, you’re just wasting energy, focus on the positives, focus on your preparation throughout the week’.
“He shifted that mentality so much and it really has helped me.
“I stopped playing the game in the sheds and burning energy about what was to come. It was just complete acceptance of how it is a privilege to play this game and to feel that squirmy uncomfortable feeling.”
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Rudolf is now in career-best form ahead of the biggest game of it and he knows Panthers superstars James Fisher-Harris and Moses Leota will be gunning for him.
“You’ve got to match them in the middle and that’s one thing I’ll definitely be taking on, not just trying to match but exceed the likes Fisher-Harris, Leota, Isaah Yeo, they’re three of the best middles in the comp,” he said.
“This will definitely be the biggest challenge of my career to date but it’s also something I’m looking forward to.
“I’m not a very fiery character but every now and again if you get pushed it’s time to push back. You won’t see my fists fly anytime soon but if someone does get in my grill or push a button, I’m not one to back down.
“Nobody will give us a chance in this game and that’s fine, Penrith have earnt their position as favourites and it gives us all the more reason to play with the energy of having a throw at the stumps.”
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The Sharks lost their first four finals under Fitzgibbon before finally getting the monkey off their back against the Cowboys last weekend.
They finished second on the ladder in 2022 before bowing out in straight sets. Cronulla then lost in week one both last year and this season, but Rudolf believes they’re primed for a huge upset on Saturday.
“We’ve spoken internally about how we almost overachieved in 2022 to finish second and I feel like we’re such a better team now, a much more resilient team,” he said.
“This year we’ve shown some defensive resilience in some tough situations and that goes back to Round 1 against the Warriors. We were down 16-12 and had three to four sets on our own line and we can now produce that (gritty defence) more consistently.
“In years gone by we might have shown it in games here and there, but to be able to rely on it every week now, we know it’s going to be there, is just huge for our confidence.
“The external noise will be there and people saying we don’t have a chance which is what we’ve been copping all year really, so it’s nothing we haven’t faced before and everyone is just so excited to be in the last four, we’ve earned the right to be here, we deserve to be here and now we’ve just got to show it on the weekend.”
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